Finding My Voice: A Year with AWP By Kath

It can be overwhelming being me sometimes. For a long time, I tried to push my experiences out of my head because I did not have the tools to deal with what I lived through as a child. When you grow up being blamed for things that were never your fault and punished for even mentioning the truth, you learn to survive by shrinking yourself. Getting by just enough became a skill I perfected.

I will not go into the details here because this is not the time or the place. But what I will say is that for years, I lived in a bubble of fear. I isolated myself because speaking or doing the wrong thing felt dangerous. I had friends, but trust was at an all-time low, and I only showed people the smallest and safest version of myself.

That was before AWP.

When I joined The Autism Wellbeing Project, something shifted. Bit by bit, without even realising it at first, I found myself fitting in. Not perfectly, because no family is perfect, but in a way that felt real, safe and human. AWP became my family. We have learned so much from one another, and the support I have had from both the staff and the community has genuinely changed my life.

Over this past year, I have learned more about myself than I ever imagined. The AWP team have helped me understand that I am a real person with value. I even have my favourites, because we all do, but every single member of staff has played a part in helping me grow. Whether face-to-face, online, through therapy or simply quiet encouragement, they have all made a difference.

For the first time, I have learned that I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to have fun. I am allowed to be sad or angry about what happened to me. I spent so many years feeling guilty about things that were never my fault and believing I deserved to be used or hurt because I did not know any different.

But now I know I am allowed to walk away. I am allowed to say no. I am allowed to choose what is right for me.

One of the biggest things I have learned is this. Everyone is allowed to be respected, safe and happy, including me.

Now that I have been part of AWP for a year, I am choosing to be sociable with the people I want to spend time with. I enjoy the activities. Sometimes I am even silly or vulnerable, which is something I never thought I would allow myself to be again. But with AWP I have learned that people like me for me.

And finally, I was once told to be quiet because nobody wanted to hear me. So I stayed silent for years. But not anymore. This menopausal autistic woman has a voice now, a real voice, and I am proud to use it. I will not be singing because even I know nobody needs to hear that, except for my youngest son, who somehow copes with it in the car.

Today I use my voice as an Expert by Experience for the Oliver McGowan Mandatory Training, helping educate health and social care staff. I am also part of the Autism Wellbeing Project podcast team. Me, after everything, doing things I never imagined.

So watch this space. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that it is never too late to find yourself, your community or your voice.